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Ode on Hopelessness

This strand I am dearly holding

a grasp to continually live

Obstacles and trials are often overwhelming

Peace of mind, the thing I’m deprived

 

People say, it’s a constant turning wheel

I say, that’s just an excuse

My life is cursed, that’s what I feel

See, I can’t even refuse

 

On my lonely night hours, I creep

to the sea, I drown till I sink

On my deceitful day hours, I feign

to be as happy as they think

 

I want to punctuate an end to this

what’s the best thing to do?

A rebellion, an escapade or a suicide?

Then someone whispered, a prayer will do.

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Dogmatic Belief of Idealism

 

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Why not try to combine all the different colors in an array of crayons. Prepare the necessary material; the clean slate paper. Grab one, grab the other. Use it with your absolute freedom to choose. Little by little, do it in your own pace. Don’t mind what picture it might render. Splash them. Splash it. Clash the bright colors and the dark ones. Whichever comes first.  Just let your hands do the talking.  Now, stop. Look at it. Face it. What have you done?  You’ll see a tint of BLACK, right?

No matter how you artistically combined all those colorful crayons. Be it in abstract or minimalist. You’ll end up with a spark of NOTHINGNESS. Just as how you try to please people. Do as what they say. Be the kind of perfectionist. Refrain from Sins. Be on the majority side. Put them all together to achieve what they desire. You’ll end up with a mess. Failing. Refuting yourself. Even fooling yourself. Just like the make-believe of meeting that impeccable knight and shining armor Princes we had in our young fairy-tales. Idealism will always be just another set of a superstitious belief, a faculty of the imaginative minds of people. To seek idealism will always be like scratching blood from a stone, IMPOSSIBLE.

No one has it. No matter how you try to seek and look for it. You will never have it. No one will ever have it. It will never get out of the surface nor outweigh realism.

“Desole”

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– to the people that I have had hurt because of being too opinionated and outspoken

-to everyone that I wasn’t able to please well

-to those that I had disappointed

-to those rumormongers that I didn’t even bother to buy their preposterous stories

-for I’ve been such a brat and I want almost everything to score on my way.

-for I’ve been too loud about how and what I feel which made me so annoying

-because I fail and wasn’t able to count the expectations from the people around me

-for being ugly and that, maybe, worsen your day

-for being an absent-minded freak that I slipped to create consternation and concern about how you feel

-for being such a groggy sleeping skunk all the time 

-that I spent a profusion of my time hating someone so badly

-that I’d been so afraid to get out from my comfort zone and had just been contented with anything that’s just reachable. I didn’t even dare to try something exotic, extraordinary.

-for irritating you with my bizarre personality

-for being such a green-eyed monster to anything that I do not have.

-that I’ve been too ambitious

-to bring you down.

-that I cheated during examinations ( Hehehehe )

– that I had ignored  the people I once love just because of a stupid reason

-I dwell too much on some things that didn’t even need and deserve my valuable time

-that I chose love over friendship :\

-that I misjudged some people

-for being a coward fighter

-for I allowed myself to be besieged with feigning people

-that I trusted so much easily

-for I am not an ideal significant other

-that I had let myself fall to his trap and lose the other

-that I expected too much from you

-I am not skillful in my field

-I have an impeccable taste of imperfection in my personality

-to the ones I love, for being so demanding and a burden to you guys

-I hold and keep grudges

-that I lied and had keep secrets

-for I will never take extra effort to go beyond perfection

-and lastly, desole, I’m sorry, for I’ve been true and genuine to myself and to everyone around me 🙂

 

From now on, I am going to be a better youngself. I am now all set and full alert to whatever that might come my way. to impediments, obstructions, torment or whatever that life takes me, say, it’s in the deepest core of earth, I’ll face them with resolute being and extreme determination. I promise, not to regret any single thing that I will be doing. 🙂

“Away from the City lights”

What words will pop out in your mind when you hear the word province? Cool breeze, pleasant people, free from worries, nature-friendly, jaw-dropping horizons, sea foods, family, life’s spices and everything nice.  I actually spent my all souls’ and saints’ day this year for the first time in my pop’s province, LEYTE. It’s basically a neighboring island of my current city, Cebu.

To reach Leyte, I took a night trip sailing for more than 6hours from Cebu. Unfortunately, because of my slothfulness and being forgetful that it was passengers-season, I was only a chance passenger which means, I don’t have a berth nor a seat to rest while I’m in the ship. Luckily, a tom who was working in the shipping line suggested a vacant deck for me so I can have rest for awhile. Probably, she’d noticed that I was extremely tired and my eyes been trying to be opened wide. LOL.

And so, for my first day, I headed immediately for a 45min. road trip to my pop’s place, Maasin City, from our hometown based Bato, Leyte. My younger sister went with me and just spent the day sleeping like a log which made my pop dismayed because he thought I just went there to sleep and I didn’t even bother to have a quality time with him. Awee, Sweet dad.Tehee. right after been awake, I just texted him right away that I’m heading back to our home town. How silly of me. Well, I’m sorry, did have a very strenuous trip a night before. But I know dad, understood it 🙂

My first night had been totally amazing. For the first time again, I was able to join a Halloween party in our home town which was organized by my boyfriend’s family.  The people really put so much effort in their costumes. And yea, before I forgot, I was even been called as a judge to draw the final verdict to who will be the winner for the Best In Halloween costume. How I wish I could show you photos during that night but unfortunately, I forgot to bring my camera. ( Blame forgetful youngself, again.) Their costumes were all great and scary! Drinks and fun had excessively poured all night 😀

On my last day, I spent my day, literally the whole day, with my younger sister 🙂 We ate burgers, ice creams, had road trips  (myself as the driver), visited some close friends, got wet of the sudden rain while driving and just talk and laugh all day long. Sad to say, I wasn’t able to meet and greet my highschool batchmates since most of them are really busy doing their thing with their family too. Nevertheless, I had a beautiful 2day stay in Leyte.

The best thing about spending your vacations in provinces is that you don’t need a lot of money to have fun and enjoy unlike here in the city. You can take a stroll with friends with the fresh and scarf-like breeze that’ll brush our faces, witness the picturesque horizon during the sunset or the beautiful scenery that you will see while on a road trip. Whenever I have escapades in provinces, I can always find my self at a loss of words to describe astonishing and overwhelming moments that I had. The experience was beyond words. Provinces are the best diaspora for people to unwind and not the morning-the-night-thing that we have here in the city. I’m not saying that you can’t find fun here but I tell, far from the city lights escapades are one hell of amusing fun. Even if it was just a 2day stay, I have relished every tiny detail moments that I was able to cherish in my home town. Here’s to more escapades in Leyte soon! 🙂

 

Now

Days and Nights had been long

Sickness creep in more

I just want myself hit by a gong

So I won’t have my heart be tore

 

Sleeping has been a total escapade

For me not to think and miss you more

It pains, you know

To be in a dire distance is a no no no

 

Frivolous usage of time

To kill my yearning and thought of you

Coz when I do

bears an unbearable eagerness to see you

 

 A hug, a kiss, a touch

Your voice, your presence

could save me from this famine

That only you, could suffice

 

A tear from my left eye

you know why?

It’s you I want now

You, that I couldn’t have now

 

 

When your man knows you best

He need not to ask

what you need, what you want

he will have it for you right away 

He need not to ask

if you’re fine or gloomy

he will sense it

He need not to ask

if you can still do it

for he knows where your

strengths and weaknesses limit

He need not to bother you

if you’re doing things right

while you’re far from each other

for he trusts in you

he need not to ask if he has to come with you

he will come with no necessary hesitations

for he knows he’s your mighty guardian angel

and he won’t let any earthly unlikable creatures harm you.

He need not to look for any medicine

when you’re a bit ill or just pissed off

for he knows what makes you feel better

say a bar of snickers, Starbucks’ belgian waffle, or just a cup of hot chocolate

trust him, he knows it.

and when your man knows you best

he personally knows

that his presence

his existence in your life

is your best antidote.

Life has its detours. I must say life is about to take me there. Here goes another dilemma again. It scares me. like hell.

My first semester in my 2ndyear in college has ended and the ride wasn’t that easy especially financially. I already have mentioned about what happened to my mom, right? Somehow, thank GOD, I am gradually coping up with the changes: in my lifestyle, activities, way of life or even how I see life. This is a whole lot of adversity I am going through now. (Pardon me for being too emotional and sentimental as of the moment. Blogging is my only way of exhaling every single toxic in my body and in my mind.)

So yea, I am actually facing again another problem. My mom had just told me that I might stop in college. O.o She shared, she can no longer support me with all the bills she’s still paying at home. She can’t even lean to anyone or seek for help from my older siblings. It really pains and sadden me seeing her in this terrible situation.

To finish college with flying colors has been one of my bigtime dreams. It has always been. The moment I first stepped foot in our university I immediately promised it to myself that I’m going to achieve my purpose here. I intently pore through my books of academics so I can ace the dean’s list (Thanks God it went well for the first 2 semesters :} ) and make my parents proud of me. At least with that I have eased the stress they have been through just to send me to school. But then, like I said, Life has its detours. It seems like my bigtime dream is about to have its dot. 😐 This is never easy for me. This is even quite new. For my 18years of existence, I have never ever been struggled and troubled of the thought when it comes to my studies, financially, especially.

This is a whole new challenge. I have to say,now, I am totally equipped with the right armaments to face the battle. So, instead of sobbing to death, slamming the doors and cry over this stuff, I immediately look for a remedy to this. Guess what? I applied to be a working student in our University 🙂 I can see a lot of benefits from this, one is that I can be freed from my tuition fee payments which could really help my mom and still continue my studies. I know a lot of people would be surprised about this. I have to admit it to myself that I am no longer that posh college student that usually lurks with friends at the malls, goes shopping, dine in a fine resto, or hand a cup of starbucks’ frap. People might say things, nega or a plus, about me, about the changes I am having now, about the working-student-thing but the things they’re telling me won’t help me with this. If I pay too much attention from every single thing they’re saying, it would just worsen my case. It would just draw me to self-pity which I don’t totally like. So Thank Papa God, an awesome idea struck through me, and drawn me to a conclusion that will eventually lend a hand for me. 

As of the moment, I am still waiting for the result of the application I’ve sent.I am hoping for an affirmation *crossedfingers. 🙂

There are times that I look this as a hindrance, an impediment, but oftentimes, I look at this as a test to make me fully equipped and ready for the soon-to-be-more challenging life ahead. I am glad that God welcomed me and let me face, at this early age, these obstacles. I know this is his way of making me stronger. *positive vibes here. 🙂